Austin Lyons

The Dexter New Blood Finale Stunk

If it wasn’t evident from from the headline, there will be spoilers for Dexter New Blood below.

The ending of Dexter New Blood wasn’t quite as bad as Dexter’s original ending but it was still pretty bad. I think the final scene was supposed to be nice and poetic? Harrison is driving away after having shot and killed Dexter while Dexter’s voice reads the letter that he sent to Hannah after faking his death; the final line reading, “Let me die so that Harrison can live” as if that’s what he’s actually finally done now that he is really dead. Harrison is going to end up dead or in jail in like a year tops and that’s all because of Dexter. In the course of about 3 days he sold the kid on the idea of being a vigilante, had him watch as he killed a man and dismembered his body, then had him shoot and kill him but still kind of in the name of vigilantism so Harrison still has that idea in his head. If I had to guess, Harrison is going to try to be the vigilante version of Dexter that he originally had in his head but quickly get killed or caught because he didn’t really get any training on how to do it.

As much as I would’ve loved a happy ending for Dexter, I get that he’s a serial killer bad guy and doesn’t really deserve one, but I always wanted a happy ending for Harrison since the original show even if they made him pretty unlikable in New Blood. Harrison was just an innocent kid who didn’t deserved to get messed up by Dexter which I guess was kind of impossible once they brought him back this season. A show about Harrison returning with no issues and Dexter never killing again and them living happily ever after as a normal family wouldn’t attract any viewers but that’s kind of a nice idea right?

Finally, on more of a side note, I’m upset that they teased us with the Dexter/Batista interaction and never gave it to us. I was very very excited about that possibility when he first showed up at the cop convention in NYC but I didn’t think they’d do it. Then they gave us the “I’ll be there first thing in the morning” scene with Batista and I thought we were about to get a freaking sweet scene between those two but they were just teasing us.

Austin Lyons

Rating 10 Potential Candidates for the Next Bears Head Coach

10. Brian Daboll

Bald guy with a beard who at times has seemed averse to running the ball. No thanks, he may be good but he’s too similar to the last guy so I don’t want him.

9. Leslie Frazier

Don’t really know a whole lot about Leslie Frasier, but I know he’s a defensive guy which I don’t want. Give me an offensive minded guy to come in and help develop Justin Fields. I know he could bring in a good OC or whatever for that but I think the top guy should be able to help Fields as much as possible.

8. Pat Fitzgerald

Fitzgerald, to me, just feels like a guy who can do great in college but if he were to take the step up to the pros it wouldn’t work. I don’t know why I believe this exactly, just seems like his whole mindset and energy is fitting for a great college coach and not the pros.

7. Matt Eberflus

Don’t really know a whole lot about Matt Eberflus, but I know he’s a defensive guy which I don’t want. Give me an offensive minded guy to come in and help develop Justin Fields. I know he could bring in a good OC or whatever for that but I think the top guy should be able to help Fields as much as possible.

6. Josh McDaniels

Obviously Josh McDaniels would be a pretty sweet hire, I’d love to have him. However, like many other people, I believe that he isn’t going to leave New England and he’s likely just waiting for Belichick to retire so he can take over there.

5. Ryan Day

I’m not completely in love with the idea of Ryan Day as the next head coach of the Bears. The only reason I don’t hate it is his pre-existing relationship with Fields and the fact that he’s had success with him in the past already. You have to imagine that he would do a pretty good job of developing him into a good professional QB.

4. Nathaniel Hackett

I kind of like the idea of bringing in a Packer to beat the Packers. The Green Bay offense is a unit that has obviously had a bit of success in recent years so poaching their OC seems like a pretty solid bet. Plus you have to imagine he dislikes Rodgers as much as the Bears fanbase does because how could you not after spending so much time around the guy right?

3. Jim Harbaugh

I’ve gone back and forth on this one a lot have have landed on the side of loving the idea of Harbaugh as the next coach of the Bears. His offense was fun to watch with Kaepernick in San Fransisco so why not believe that he can do the same if not even better with Fields? I was hesitant because of his slight lack of success at Michigan but I think that’s a dumb thing to be concerned about when talking about his return to the NFL.

2. Byron Leftwich

Sure you can say his success in Tampa is tied to have the greatest QB of all time on his team, but he also had a pretty solid offense in his year with Jameis Winston. If his offense could be good with Jamies then I believe it can be great with Fields and spending a couple years around Brady couldn’t have done anything but help him.

1. Greg Roman

I’d love to see an offense similar to Baltimore’s ran in Chicago. I think a run first offense like that would be a great fit with Fields and Montgomery and you could potentially open the passing game up more with Fields over Jackson. As long as the Bears are able to improve their offensive line some this offseason I think a Greg Roman style offense would be a huge success in Chicago.

Austin Lyons

Adam Levine Doesn’t Owe an Apology to Anyone

The fact that Adam Levine is getting any sort of backlash for how he responded to this fan running on stage is insane. Not wanting some random person to run up and hug you while you’re doing your job certainly does not mean that you believe that you’re better than that person. Imagine you work at a grocery store. You’re stocking up some shelves and are locked in on making it as organized and presentable as possible when all of a sudden you feel arms wrap tightly around you. Are you going to take the time to see if it’s an appreciative customer just wanting to thank you for putting the cans of baked beans so neatly on the shelf? Or are you going to immediately separate yourself from that person and look at them wondering what the hell is wrong with them? I’m guessing we’d all go with option number 2.

This made up scenario doesn’t really matter though because there is also the fact that Adam Levine IS better than us. People don’t just risk potentially getting in fairly serious trouble to run up and hug someone who isn’t better than them. (Must be similar consequences to running on the field at a professional sporting event right?) He’s smoking hot and talented as hell so even if his reaction was one of disgust that someone from the concert crowd had run up and touched him rather than him just being startled, that’s a completely fair and reasonable reaction in my book. No apology needed.

Austin Lyons

You Just Don’t Mess with a Kids Trading Cards

This is one of the cruelest forms of punishments I’ve ever heard of. A kid’s Pokémon cards are one of, if not the, most important things in their life. I still get upset when I think about the weekend when the whole neighborhood turned against me because I was falsely accused of throwing my neighbor’s Charizard card between the cracks of his patio. I don’t know how it got down there, it’s very likely that someone got jealous and decided that if they couldn’t have it then no one could, but that person was not me. Years from not this kid may have a great relationship with his mom but there will definitely be moments when he remembers her burning his favorite cards right in front of is face and he will skip the Sunday phone call with her that week, that’s a guarantee.

Bonus card story: Yu-Gi-Oh cards were of course the natural progression after Pokémon cards growing up and my neighbor had a card that I wanted BADLY, I believe it was the Armored Lizard. Not the most popular of cards but I thought I was really cool and my neighbor either agreed or saw that he good get a good trade out of me. After hours of negotiations, we finally agreed to a trade and I was the proud owner of the Armored Lizard! That same day, we were mixing various sodas and and mud and whatever else we could get our hands on into a plant pot in the front yard, as kids do. Well out of jealously my brother, who also wanted the Armored Lizard, grabbed in from me and mashed it into our concoction, completely ruining the card. All my hard work, hours of negotiation, and the cards I sacrificed to get it flushed down the toilet for absolutely nothing. Heart breaking stuff.

Austin Lyons

You Shouldn’t be Allowed to Make More than 2 Orders at Panda Express.

I swung by a Panda Express (no drive-thru) for lunch today and the line didn’t look to long so I was pretty excited. That was until the guy in line in front of me said he had SEVEN orders to make. SEVEN! You add 6 more people to this line and I likely decide to spend my precious lunch hour somewhere else. To make it worse, 6 of the 7 orders were double orange chicken and the 7th included an order of orange chicken as well, completely wiping out their ready supply. Of course I’m not going to not get orange chicken (what do you even combine in that situation? Beijing beef aqnd sweet and fire chicken? Talk about a disappointing lunch) so now we’re ticking more time off the lunch clock while I wait for the fresh batch to be done. By the time I’ve secured my meal I’m already 37 minutes into my lunch and might as well just head right back to the office. Which brings me to my main point: If you have more than 2 orders and haven’t ordered ahead, you should have to make 2 at a time and go to the back of the line again for your next round of orders.

I’m not a completely unreasonable man, if you have 3 orders that could potentially be persuaded that you can order all of them at once. But 3 is definitely the absolute max.

Austin Lyons

What Happened on William Shatner’s Trip to Space?

What happened to him up there? What is he never going to recover from? Typically when I think recovery I think recovering from something bad. Under this pretense, I’d assume that something terrible happened on that rocket ship. Did Bezos take him up there and show him Calvin from the great Ryan Reynolds movie Life? It certainly would be hard to recover from learning a space goo monster is orbiting Earth and could come down to end human life as we know it. Or perhaps he caught an extraterrestrial virus like the Andromeda Strain or an alien laid an egg in his chest like in the move Alien. Although none of these would make sense because why wouldn’t he want to recover from those? Whatever it is that he wants to stick with him for the rest of his life much be much more positive.

This leads me to believe that we have a classic Fantastic Four scenario going on here. Bezos took Shatner up in his little rocket ship and gifted super powers onto him. Bezos’ fascination with space is easily chalked up to the fact that he has all the money on Earth so to find something interesting to him he has to look elsewhere in the solar system; but what if it actually stems from the fact that someone discovered cosmic rays that give people superpowers and brought it to Bezos because they needed his money to access it. Why would Bezos choose a 90 year old William Shatner to join his squad of super-humans? Well I don’t have an answer to that. Perhaps renewed youth/extended life is a part of the package. But if Shatner ends up with a Thing-esque power rather than Johnny Storm, he may well soon be going back on his hope to never recover.

Austin Lyons

I Just Can’t Get Excited For House of the Dragon

I want to be excited for the House of the Dragon GoT prequel series, I really do, but I just can’t seem to get there. The ending of GoT was sooooo bad that it kind of just feel like what’s the point? We know where it all leads to and that’s with the weirdo Bran the Broken on the throne after a bunch of rushed and ridiculous events. I will still absolutely watch and and since George R.R. Martin has already written the stories it will probably be an awesome show. I just don’t think I’ll be excited for it until they actually put out a few good episodes.

Austin Lyons

Adam Warlock is Going to be a Dweeb

Will Poulter has apparently been casted as Adam Warlock for Guardians of the Galaxy 3 and I hate this casting. I like him in most of the movies I’ve seen him in like We’re the Millers and Bandersnatch but when he was supposed to be a tough guy in the Maze Runner movies it felt so out of place. I’m pretty bummed out because I’ve been excited to Adam Warlock to come to the MCU since I first read some of the Guardians comics after the first movie came out and I don’t see how he can be a convincing badass character now. Hopefully I’m wrong and Will Poulter knocks it out of the park.

Austin Lyons

The Guilty Review with SPOILERS

Score: 5.9/10

********SPOILERS********

This movie gives no reason to care about the main character, Joe Baylor, or anyone else in it at any point. From the very beginning officer Joe Baylor seems to just be a dick who has gotten into some sort of trouble that landed him on phone duty as a 911 operator. And I guess he was sick or something? Unless I missed missed something that’s never really even explained. Anyway, he gets a call from a lady claiming that she has been kidnapped by her boyfriend and the rest of the movie has him trying to track them down and get her help. The next 45 minutes are just Joe Baylor angrily calling various people and yelling at them without actually being very helpful at all.

Finally, late in the movie they draw some emotion out of you when you learn the woman’s baby has been stabbed repeatedly presumably by the woman’s kidnapper. Officer Taylor manages to get the woman back on the phone and convinces him to attack her kidnapper when he stops the van and run away which she does successfully. Turns out that was a bad call because we learn that she is schizophrenic and she was the one who cut open the baby because she thought it had snakes in her stomach. Her “kidnapper” was just the father of her children trying to get her to the hospital who for some reason didn’t call for an ambulance or the police when he saw that his baby son had been stabbed and just left his 6 year old daughter in the house alone with the dying baby. Makes sense. Now we also learn that Joe Taylor is on phone duty because he killed a 19 year old kid and the only reasons given is because he could and that maybe the kid hurt somebody. Turns out officer Joe Taylor is a bad person after all. But at the end he calls his partner and tells him he doesn’t have to commit perjury for him the next day anymore so I guess he’s redeemed? The only good part about this ending is that the stabbed baby lives.

So overall if you want to watch Jake Gyllenhaal get angry at people on the phone for an hour and a half then this movie is for you. If you want to watch good movie with an actual plot and likable characters, I’d stay away from this one.

Austin Lyons

The Poor Lions Just Can’t Win A Game

You gotta feel for the Lions. They should have had their first win of the season a couple of weeks ago only to have their hearts ripped out by an NFL record long field goal as the clock expires. Now this week they score late in the game and say screw overtime, let’s go for a win right now with a successful 2 point conversion to take the lead with less than a minute to go. But the stupid Vikings had to rain on their parade and drive down the field for a game winning field goal. I can understand why Dan Campbell would be crying after this game, winning has got to start to feel pretty impossible in Detroit this year. Even when you do the right things you still somehow end up with a loss.

Now on a different note from this game, Kirk Cousins and Mike Zimmer really hate each other huh? This “celebration” below looks like it almost ends in a fight. I still think the Vikings stink this year and Zimmer will probably be gone at the end of the season because I don’t think these two can stay together for another year and they’re stuck with Cousins.