Austin Lyons

Olympic Buzzer Beater by Gable Steveson

Holy cow what a finish to the 125 kg freestyle wrestling gold medal match! Gable Steveson just out worked his opponent, Geno Petriashvili. Petriashvili appeared to be gassed and Steveson just kept putting on the pressure until the very last second. He scored 4 points in the final 16 seconds to come away with the gold medal.

How awesome is it going to be to go back to the University of Minnesota with a gold medal? Showing off an Olympic gold medal has to be one of the easiest ways to get girls in the world, he’s going to be the most popular man on campus! Plus with the new NIL rules he’s bound to get a shit ton of company’s showing up wanting to sponsor him and throw money at him. A college student with a gold medal and a fat wallet, can’t think of a much better life for a 21 year old.

Austin Lyons

Australian Rugby and Soccer Teams Party on Flight Home From Tokyo

The Australian Olympic soccer and football teams are in some hot water for being too rowdy on their flight home from Tokyo… How did they expect this flight to go? Soccer players and rugby players are two groups known to do a lot of drinking and have a good time and they’re coming off of a few weeks where they presumably trained harder than they ever have and likely eased up on the drinking. Of course they’re going to party it up and get a little rambunctious during the 10 hour flight! Why would you put them on a flight with normal passengers not returning from playing in the Olympics? Two teams returning from the games should justify chartering their own plane where they can celebrate their time in Tokyo without bothering other passengers right? The Australian Olympic Committee boss said they’re going to probe the allegations but I hope that’s just for public appearance and they actually decide to just move on and let the boys be.

The rugby team is also being criticized for leaving the beds broken in the athletes’ accommodations which seems absurd. The Olympic Committee widely publicized that they were putting in cardboard beds that were designed to be broken so who cares if a few actually were? Were they hoping to resell these used cardboard beds? And just to show that I am a reasonable man, the vomit complaints are fair to bring up. You’ve gotta clean up your own puke in the rooms, leaving it is just gross.

Austin Lyons

Why isn’t Sumo Wrestling an Olympic Sport?

Is it because Japan would dominate it? Surely it wouldn’t take long for an NFL offensive lineman to be ready to compete at a world class level right? You can’t tell me Quenton Nelson wouldn’t need more than a few pointers to be able to toss some sumo dudes out of the ring. Sure, they’d have to miss some training camp to go to the olympics but DK Metcalf was ready to for the 100m so the big boys would be able to as well. USA could take gold if they ever put sumo wrestling in the olympics!